This is an article I wrote in 1995 in a monthly newsletter I published in Eastern Washington.
"Have you ever tried that game?
Sure, we all do that from time to time. We look at people and do not see them for who they really are. We struggle with what we would like them to be, and the more we "try" to make them look like the image we would like them to look like, the more frustrated we get.
We all have an idea of the perfect relationship, of the perfect work place, of the perfect family, of the perfect friend.... those are our "round holes".
Then, we have relationships with people we want to fit in those round holes, but they don't fit.
In fact, we never see them as they really are, we pick up a thing here and there that we like about them and complain about the rest.
We try, and try, and try to make them fit, and the more we try, the worse it gets. We don't realize the whole picture, we just keep finding more square pegs to fit into our round holes.
I've been playing this game all my life, actually.
My family was a bunch of square pegs that never fit the image of "Father knows best", the ideal and perfect family to me.
Somehow, in my mind, I had this perfect picture of how things should be in a "perfect" world (I definitely knew how it shouldn't be).
The more I looked around, the more faults I found, and the more I tried to right the wrong, the greater the frustrations and turmoil. The level of anxiety kept going up as I looked around and all I saw were the injustices, the wrongs, the sickness.
Some of those wrongs were and are too big a job for one person to handle, so the anxiety level got worse.
I've tried everything I knew. Still, the wrongs and unfairness continued to thrive. It happened in the place where I worked, it happened with the kind of men that showed up in my life. The kind that don't fit in my ideal of a relationship, where fairness, kindness, love and respect should thrive.
Having to face my work situation every day was taxing on me.
I placed them in love,, I prayed for them, I took the situation to the Principals of the Company, still, nothing changed.
I stood up for myself, I dealt with my anger, I spoke up in love, I grew and matured and yet, their treatment was unfair and humiliating. I worked on letting go, I placed the situation in the hands of the Creator and let things unfold.
Still, nothing changed.
I was strong in my power, I walked with my head high, I was kind to my co-workers, but I still caught them making snide remarks about me.
I could see clearly through them; I knew exactly why they acted the way they acted, and yet it still bothered and affected me.
I've been writing about letting other people in, accepting them by who they really are, and yet, I couldn't do it myself, until today, when I clearly saw a picture of a square peg trying to be fitted into a square hole.
I looked at my life and saw hundreds of square pegs, none of which fit my image of how "things" should be.
I saw myself holding a handful of square pegs.
I opened my hand and let them all fall onto the ground.
I gave up "trying".
Going through my files, found some old poetry I wrote in the 1990's:
Old self is dead
To sit back and allow time
To take new shape.
Molecules will arrange themselves
In new form. just let it happen.
Male and female in one, as one
The Soul has no gender
The outer appearance is just a consequence
of genetic arrangement.
Observe the birth of who I am
Ethereal forms dancing,
moving in perfect synchronicity
Shaping into new form,
Moving in perfect harmony,
Each molecule of energy
Knows exactly where to go
Searching its new place
Its new partner.
It has happened,
I am here.
There are many studies done on childhood development from a physical and psychological standpoint, but I have not seen any postulation of how the energy field develops from childhood to adulthood, so here are my findings based on a lifelong experience and over 30 years as a healer / shaman.
A child is born with a malleable energy field, not yet formed by beliefs, societal norms or family of origin.
This energy field is easily impressed upon by events, fulfilled or unfulfilled needs, abuse of all kinds.
The body will grow, regardless of any outside influence, but the impressions in the field will affect the physiological development of that child.
Words carry an energy impact that penetrate the malleable field because the field of a child is not yet strong enough to discern what is coming in as their own or from an outside source. For example: if a child is repetitively told throughout its young life that she /he is not good enough, as the brain develops, the energy of those words will find a place through the child's field and affect decision making, learning ability and emotional bonds.
When words are added to physical abuse, the energy of the blows coupled with the emotional charge of those blows, penetrate the field and find a place to stay in the child's body.
Take the developing brain for example; the brain is known for its neuroplasticity, i.e., the ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.
If blows, coupled with the emotional charge and words added to it are repeated through the childhood years, as the brain develops, the ability to develop itself as it was intended to do biologically is impaired and programmed by the brain's circuitry created by the abuse, and where those circuitries are located may later on in life be branded as personality disorders, emotional dysfunctions, and sometimes, mental illness.
Abuse of any kind create open gashes in the child's field, sometimes creating openings that never close and allowing entities to find a way into the body, and affecting the entire life of the child and later on, the adult. As most people are unaware of this, diseases and disorders are treated medically by professionals that do not have the knowledge necessary to address the energy field, energy dysfunctions and efficiently help those affected by it.
Shamans know this. Some Healers know this. I have known this for some time, as I, myself spent my whole life struggling to release those energy wounds from my physical, emotional, mental and energy bodies. Luckily, I started to learn from my own struggles through years of therapy, from my energy guides and from friends and clients of the effect of energy and its role in creating disease in the body, how and where it lodges itself, the beliefs attached to it, the origin of it, the emotional charge from the abuser and how it impacted my development as a human being.
I am Amayah. Here you will find the story of an amazing being that became trapped in the cycle of incarnation on Earth. I hope that my experiences inspire you to discover your story.