Growing old

I'm sure I'm not the only one on this planet that was self-made, i.e., had to learn about everything by myself without any help.
I'm sure I'm not the only one on this planet that was born into a very abusive situation and spent a lifetime trying to find myself. There are others out there.
The thing is, my whole life was and is, an in the moment everyday event. It's a rolling series of events, and it was never a dull moment, as the saying goes.
Because of the daily ongoing challenges, physical, emotional, financial, psychological and survival challenges, I never really had a chance to learn or prepare for what it is like to grow old in a society that does not appreciate old folks. I never felt old, even though my body is aging with every day that passes. I never thought about being old. I don't feel old, despite the reminder my body gives me every time I think I'm still 30 years old.
I never thought that one day, no matter how stubborn and determined I am to keep going, the reality that I don't have another fifty years to start living the life I always wanted to live is here to stay.

Wayne Dyer once wrote, don't let your song die within you unsung. And boy, what a struggle that is. I have so much to offer, to teach, to create, and I really don't have the means to do it.
Where is my healing center that I visualized, detailed, drummed for and talked about infinite times ?
Where is my voice gone? It seems unheard by most. So much to share, and yet, most are too busy on social media or partying to care.
I love this planet and all life on it.
I have a vision of higher vibration Humans filled with compassion and respectful of life. I'm afraid I won't live long enough to see it and It breaks my heart.
There are Beings in my life begging me to help them activate their Star brothers and sisters living here as Humans so they can help elevate the life on this planet to a higher purpose.
The reality is, most Humans are terrified of change. Even if they know there is a higher calling to their life. Furthermore, there are 7.5 billion or so people living on this planet, and I do not know how to reach the Star brothers and sisters of these Beings.
Easy for Star people that travel on spaceships to go from one end of this planet to another. I don't have that luxury. I don't have the money to travel and give presentations or workshops.
For many years I sought sponsorship for transformational group healing work. It all fell on deaf ears. Maybe not meant to be, some said. So what am I to do?
Give it away, some said. Well, I did give lots away when I had a day job and did not need the money and for that reason, I was challenged by many that did not understand my principles.
I still give a lot away and for some absurd reason, Humans believe that if it is free there must be something wrong with it.
One example that sticks in my mind happened many years ago, in Washington State, I used to go to the boardwalk in Bremerton every Sunday to sell my organic dried fruit at the market. One Sunday, this young man was struggling to set up his canopy, so I offered to help. He was going to culinary school to become a chef, and so he brought his gourmet pastries to sell. His wife made beautiful silk ties and offered them for $10.00 each. I said, no, you need to charge at least $30.00 for the silk ties. He said, but it only takes her 10 minutes to make them...
So I went back to my space as the market opened.
Two hours later, the young man came to my space laughing so hard, he said people are stupid! I said, why, he said they would come and look at the ties and ask for the price. When he mentioned $10.00, they would look at the ties suspiciously and say, oh, it's not silk, it only looks like silk, and walked away. So he raised the price to $30.00 like I suggested, and he sold all twelve ties in half an hour!
Yup. I hate to admit it, but the value people put on goods and services is based on a distorted notion that to be good it must cost a lot.
I never agreed with the ongoing myth that my work is so special I should charge hundreds of dollars for a session like most do. That would prevent many that sincerely want help and are committed to becoming their true selves from receiving help.
Financially, I cannot rent a space somewhere anymore and wait for people to come. Done that, been there many times. I offer my services at fairs and also travel to people's homes. The looks of suspicion when I mention the latter translates into: What is wrong with you? You don't have an office? What are you, a beginner?
So maybe my song will die unsung inside.
I am too tired and too old to care anymore. I learned long ago as a healer, that not everyone wants to heal themselves. Most feel safe and comfortable in their pain because it is familiar. As a friend used to say to those people, "better luck next time, in another life".
As an Astrologer once told me, I'm way ahead of my time, the world is not ready for me.
Maybe.
What a shame.

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